I tried to post some forest pictures for Ashley, but couldn’t figure out how, yet!

I was thinking, this very day, about regrets. Most of my life has been repressive, and I’ve made life altering decisions based on circumstance. Some of my youthful selfishness left my boys in the wake. I regret ever making decisions that hurt people. Especially my boys. I really like the way things turned out, in spite of my many mistakes, so those are regrets that are hard to pinpoint.

There are specific regrets that I think about often and I would like to share one. I lived with, and took care of my grandmother for a year and a few months before she died. This is the only person in my life that I stayed in the closet for. She had a son that died in a car accident when he was very young and I became his replacement. She was not equiped to handle the truth. We had one of those relationships where you do things for each other that show you care, rather than talking to each other about your feelings. Anyway, while I was taking care of her, an ex partner died of AIDS. I don’t know why I even shared that with her. Of course, I just told her it was just a friend and she said, “well don’t you think he probably deserved it.” I don’t remember exactly what I said, but it was loud and included the F word. From that piont our relationship changed.  She asked her nurse if she thought that I was gay and the nurse said, “of course”. We hardly talked from that point until she died, soon after. I think about this often.

It feels good to share. Any regrets?